smokerblog

Year of the Sleeping Dog

In honor of the Chinese New Year, the paper had a nice little article about the Chinese community here. Unfortunately, we didn't really celebrate much. We did have some dumplings Saturday night, and we gave Ben his own red envelope with money on Sunday morning as we mangled our Chinese pronunciation of "Happy New Year." But rather than go out somewhere, we're still trying to settle in a bit before inflicting too much excitement on Ben.

Plus, jet lag is a pain. We're all still pretty tired. Ben slept through the night Saturday, but then last night only slept about four hours before finally collapsing around 5AM. My circadian rhythm is all out of whack; I've been sleeping in one-hour spurts, totally skipping the first stages of sleep and going right to the dream stage. Meanwhile, Kari has been losing sleep, by staying up with Ben through most of the night last night.

They say it takes one day to recover for every hour of time zone difference you experience. At that rate, we should be all caught up by sometime next Tuesday.

Learning from Each Other

So Ben's English is coming along, given that he's only been here for two days. He continues to mimic things that we we say and we continue to learn to understand each other a little better as we work toward a common language. He's using some very basic English phrases, such as "thank you" and "eat...yeah!" (The word "eat" is always followed by an entusiastic "yeah!") Almost of the very first English word he picked up and now uses frequently is "Buddy."

We're trying to teach him his letters and there is one DVD we have that has been a big help. He gets out his magnetic letters and finds each letter in turns as he follows along with the story.

Teaching him to say his numbers has been a little trickier only because he knows all of his numbers in Chinese already and is reluctant to switch. In fact, he's been teaching me the Chinese numbers faster that I've been able to teach him the English. Plus, it seems the Chinese have a totally different way of counting on their fingers, at least for numbers higher than five.

Oh, and do you think maybe he's become comfortable with the dogs yet?

Home at Last

[ROCHESTER, 1/26 9:00AM]

We arrived home last night only ten minutes delayed--our only travel glitch of the entire trip. We got up at 5AM to get to the airport in Guangzhou yesterday (40 hours ago) and pulled into the driveway last night at 5:30PM for a total travel time of 25.5 hours. Ben was great the whole time. He had a little bit of a rough time on the middle third of the long flight from Hong Kong, but I can't really blame him for that, I was starting to get a clittle cranky myself.

Ben had been told that he would be flying on a plane to America to be with his ma-ma, but I don't think he quite believed me when we landed in Rochester and I told him his ma-ma would be there. Ben was still kind of dazed after sleeping all of the way from Chicago, but Ben was looking around as we took the short walk from the gate to the waiting area. When we got near, I pointed to Kari and his face lit up with a big smile.

The meeting itself was rather subdued as Ben entered bashful mode, but just like in his first meeting with me, he opened right up during his first car ride with ma-ma. We got home and settled right in with dinner, playtime, bathtime, and then bedtime.

At around 1AM, our jet lag caught up with us, so we got up, had a snack, and played for a few more hours. This picture of Ben and his ecstatic ma-ma was taken at around 2AM.

So I did my job. I got Ben home safely to his mother.

Ben is warming up to both of his new parents. He's spent (most of) one night in his new bed. He's a little nervous about the dogs, but they are getting used to each other (he seems especially interested in Buddy). Today we'll continue to settle in. I'm sure our internal clocks will be a little goofy as we adjust to EST, but it feels good to be home. So far, it seems like Ben feels the same way.

We Are Family

[GUANGZHOU, 1/23 8:30PM]

So we did a little shopping in the morning while other families were getting their medical exam done. We were kind of split into two groups, one group will have their swearing in on Friday. We, however, had ours today. The Consulate didn't allow cameras in the building, so there is no picture of the big event described below, but this one was from our walk in the park this morning:

We were warned that this is the most emotional moment of the entire trip. I have to say that after driving to the Consulate office, going up three stories of escalators, and waiting in a sterile DMV-like seating area, plus also trying to keep Ben out of trouble for over half an hour, I didn't believe that this was going to be such a big deal.

Meanwhile, the room was being filled with roughly a couple hundred people, over fifty families in all. A bureaucratically-nerdy-looking woman got up and addressed the group explaining the visas we were about to receive and told us what we needed to know to clear customs in the US. Then, without much warning, she asked us to stand and take the oath.

I have no idea what I said. Honestly.

I don't know if I pledged on Ben's behalf to be a good citizen, or if I promised to take care of him, or if I swore an oath to feed him more spinach, or what. I just know that tears welled up as I stood there with my right hand held up, holding Ben's hand with my left, and repeating the words that the nerdy lady was saying. When the oath was done, the crowd cheered, people were kissing and hugging each other, and Ben and I high-fived.

I think the whole thing got to him, too. I don't know if he understood at all what had just happened, but he's been in a really oddly quiet mood all night.

So that's it. We have a son. And Ben has a mom and dad. Tomorrow, bright and early, we are on a plane for home.

Ladies Man

[GUANGZHOU, 1/23 9:00PM]

Today we did a little more sightseeing. Here's a picture of us standing in front of Dr. Sun Yat-sen Memorial Hall. Dr. Sun was described by our guide as modern China's equivalent of George Washington. Apparently, many of his ideas and teachings were instrumental in the overthrow of the Empire and heavily influenced the beliefs and teachings of Chairman Mao.

Ben and I had another great day. He continues to crack up the waitstaff at every restaurant we go to. It starts when the waitresses try to pour him some tea, and they get the inevitable "boo yao!" Then they strike up a conversation, asking him how old he is, etc. One of the other fathers pointed out to me that he is a chick magnet, which is fine, because they only have eyes for him anyway (as do I).

All of our forms and paperwork are in order and we will be getting Ben's travel papers tomorrow. Then, Wednesday, the trip home.

Feeling Blessed

[GUANGZHOU, 1/22 10:30PM]

No official business today, so we did a little sightseeing this morning. We traveled to the famous Liurong Buddhist Temple with its magnificent 17-story pagoda, where we lit some incense and received prayers of blessing from the monks. Unfortunately, the pagoda was too tall to fit in frame, so you'll have to settle for the pictures of the Buddha statues. There were three statues in the pavilion where the blessing ceremony took place. In addition to the statue pictured, you can barely make out the other two in the background of the self portrait we took.

After visiting the temple, we headed to the modern world's most holy place: Wal-Mart. Except that it wasn't a Wal-Mart, it was a Lotus Superstore, but to American eyes it was exactly like Wal-Mart, right down to the "Everyday Prices" slogan on the signage. It was very crowded and we wanted to keep the group together, so I didn't get a chance to find any picture books for Ben, but I got some water, beer, and snacks for the hotel room as well as some bath toys and more toy cars for about $7.

Now that there's a group of Americans around Ben, I think he's beginning to get the idea that English is a valid means of communication and he's a bit more open to learning some of the words that I've been using around him. Among today's breakthroughs were "thank you" and "nite-nite." Meanwhile, I received bonus points for recognizing before our guides did that Ben needed to use the bathroom at dinnertime.

Everyone in our group is really nice. With the exception of one two-year old and four-year old, all of the other children in the group are infants. Ben does his best to make friends with everyone, especially with the four-year old girl. He's a great sharer, passing out cookies and lending his cars to the other toddlers, but all of his advances have failed to crack through the bashful exterior of his four-year old counterpart.

Only three more days. One more off-day, our only duties are to confirm our flight reservations. Then tomorrow the big visa appointment meeting at the US Consulate, then the next day the flight to Ben's new home.

Traveling in a Pack

[GUANGZHOU, 1/21 8:30PM]

We've been joined here in Guangzhou by six other families, so for all of our outings, we now travel by bus. One other mother is traveling by herself, so that makes twelve adults and seven children, plus three guides. The other families all seem very nice but I'm having a difficult time getting to know them because, well, see yesterday's post.

And in case I'm giving anyone the wrong impression about Ben, it's not like he's bad or even all that difficult, he's just always busy. When the guides (who have been awesome, I have to say) explain things to him, he settles right down. And in the semi-controlled environment of the hotel room, we've got a pretty good system worked out. It just gets harder when we're in publc and I don't have a context for his questions. Today we went to a government-run store that had all kinds of traditional Chinese art and jewelry for sale. Of course ba-ba forgot to bring along his cars, so poor Ben was bored out of his mind. I only got really nervous whenever he wandered into the porcelain section.

At the restaurants we eat family style, which means that all of the food is placed on a big rotating tray in the center of the table and you spin the tray around to get at the food you want. Part of the problem with learning Chinese from Ben is his four-year-old pronunciation, but he's got me pretty well trained on "boo yao!" That's what I hear whenever I offer him any kind of vegetable. If I give him something spicy, he looks at me like I'm crazy after he tastes it.

Only a couple of pictures today, both from the bus. In one, on the right, you can see an example of why the SUV market in China hasn't taken off: If you can carry that much stuff on the back of a moped, why bother? And that one is running nowhere near capacity. Also check out the lane change going on in the left of the picture.

Flying By the Seat of Our Pants

[GUANGZHOU, 1/20 10:PM]

I lied about the no-post thing tonight. The internet access is so good in this hotel, I had to give it a go. No new pictures. I had my hands full traveling with Ben. There are some older ones at the bottom of the post, though.

The morning got off to a great start. Ben is beginning to mimic some of my English, but I have to catch him in the right mood to get anything to stick. First thing in the morning is a great time. We've got "high five" down pat, now we're working on "let's go" and "all done." Oh yeah, and "potty," that's an important one.

I'm picking up some new Chinese phrases too, like "almost there!" That card probably got overplayed today because, holy cow, I had to try to keep this kid occupied for four hours in an airplane seat during our flight to Guangzhou. I did okay for about a half-hour.

Luckily, there were five or six people on the flight amusing Ben by asking him questions in Chinese. Most were questions that I am beginning to recognize from everyone else who who talks Ben:

Those exclamation points in his responses are real, too. He doesn't win people over by being adorable (although he is that), but through sheer force of (his exuberant) personality. For instance, he was scribbling on some of my index cards and then accosting people with them, handing them out like Las Vegas strip cub flyers to anyone who made eye contact with him.

We did okay, though. I was a little harried, but was "rewarded" when Ben asked me to carry him through the unfamiliar Guangzhou airport and then gripped me tightly the whole way. I put the scare quotes in there because, even though I was happy that he still trusted me after I was mean to him for four hours, I was hot and sweating profusely in my turtleneck in the tropical weather.

As an example of how difficult it is to control Ben, and as an explanation for why there is no blogging during the day (nightime EST) and I why haven't actually used Skype since picking up Ben, here is a little pictoral study taken literally minutes after bringing Ben back to the hotel for the first time--note the orphanage clothes that he is wearing. There was no prompting here, this is an actual record of events as they occurred:

Step 1: Open drawer, notice laptop

Step 2: Remove laptop from drawer, place it on coffee table.

Step 3: Start hacking

That's why Ben's not allowed to be around the computer on this trip.

Bonding

[SHENYANG, 1/19 8:30PM]

Today was another good day. Ben and I sleep in separate beds on account of his mega-squirminess--plus also he wants it that way. I knew it was going to be a good day when Ben climbed into bed with me a 6:00AM to cuddle.

This was an off-day, no business or sight-seeing scheduled. Ben and I hung out in our room all day with just a couple of brief wanderings around the hotel to relieve the cabin fever. Tomorrow we fly to Guangzhou to do some US Consulate business. Because of the travel, I don't know if I will be able to post tomorrow night (tomorrow morning for most of you). Plus, my webhosting service had some planned maintenance that might temporarily put the site out of commission.

We were warned at our travel meeting that people would stare at us and walk up and start talking to us as we walk about on the street. That's been true for the most part. Yesterday a bunch of students from a Chinese University asked to us to pose with them for a picture at the Imperial Palace. Today we stopped and visited with a housekeeper for a half hour. Ben is obviously very bright. He holds long and involved conversations with people and In every single conversation, he points to me and calls me ba-ba and tells his interlocutor about flying on a plane to be with his American ma-ma. Ben also gets very excited every time the phone rings. He's always hoping it's his American ma-ma on the phone.

It seems like the bonding has begun. These will be the moments to remember when Ben hits his surly teenage years.

Here are today's pics, combing ba-ba's hair and playing with his toy train in a deserted second floor lobby where we go from time to time to decompress:

Emperor Ben

[SHENYANG, 1/18 9:00PM]

Today was a good day. Ben had decided this morning that my rolling duffle bag would make a good rickshaw, bus, and/or airplane. So I cleared some space and he (i.e., we) spent an hour-and-a-half wheeling it back an forth in the hotel room.

Otherwise, he voiced a few contrary opinions to some of my decisions, but nothing too strident. It helped that we both got a good night's sleep last night. Also, we seem to be communicating a little better. I'm starting to understand some of the words he uses and he is getting better at understanding me. We still aren't speaking a common tongue, but we're getting closer. Whenever I get frustrated at not understanding Ben, I just think about how he's going to feel in a week's time when there aren't any people around who speak his language.

Today's big event was to do some sightseeing. The temperature was well below freezing, but it was warm enough for Ben to handle it, so we took a tour of the imperial palace--that's imperial as in the Q'ing dynasty of the 1600's. This was the first time since being here that I would ever have been aware of the deep historical roots that exist here. There is a layer of hypermodernity covering everything else in Shenyang; stepping into the palace was like entering a time warp. Here are a couple of shots that give you an idea:

A word or two about the traffic here. You know all of the old television footage showing a sea of bicycles weaving together elbow to elbow, all seeming to be heading in a different direction with maybe a sprinkling of cars mixed in? Well, take that idea, but swap the bicycles and cars. I've driven in Manhattan and I've driven in Boston. Peanuts. That's amateur hour compared to China.

First off, the lanes markers are merely recommendations, no driver in China treats the dashed white lines on the pavement with anything other than contempt. Second, rear-view mirror are useless. Whatever raw materials are used to manufacture rear-view mirrors in China would be better used to make another boatload or two of color tvs to be sold at Walmart.

Side-view mirrors do get heavy use, but only to check to see if that guy on your rear fender is moving fast enough to hit you when you cut into his lane. Meanwhile, the horn is not used in China to signal frustration; instead, it signals intent. It's a sign that if you were planning on cutting me off, you'd better so it now since I'm about to squeeze through the right third of the lane you are currently using. Similarly, turn signals are a misnomer. In China, the should be called turn declarations. They over-ride horns by declaring the intent to cut you off whether you honk your horn or not.

You'd think that given this situation, jaywalking would be considered an extreme sport, something that Warren Miller would shoot videos of. Still, plenty of people do it. I've seen enough people standing on one of those irrelevant white stripes in the middle of eight to ten lanes of traffic, that I no longer notice it as anything out of the ordinary. Instead, I started looking for evidence of accidents and of all of the thousands of cars that I've looked at, I was unable to identify a single dent, ding, or scrape anywhere. Either the Chinese have figured out the perfect traffic environment, or there are some auto-body repair shops making some serious yuan.

Reality Strikes

[SHENYANG, 1/17 11:00PM]

It was a beautiful but very cold day today in Shenyang. This seems to be a very prosperous city. I image it is inicative of the other major Chinese cities: much new construction, wide roads packed with cars, vast wattages devoted to neon, etc. We saw much of the city today while spending the entire morning traveling to different offices to sign and fingerprint and notarize and get stamped (yes, Seth, in quadruplicate) Ben's passport application and the papers that make the adoption official in the eyes of the orphanage (we still have to make it official in the eyes of the Chinese and US governments). Here is a picture with his teacher from the orphanage--the red dot on his forehead is from where we got a little too carried away with the fingerprint ink.

After getting back to the hotel, Ben and I had more fun eating, taking a bath, playing with cars, and sumo wrestling (the hotel carries one Japanese network). At one point I had to reinforce our authority structure in a way that Ben did not appreciate. Ben wanted to take a bath, which would have been his third of the day, and I refused. He pitched what, in all honesty, was a pretty mild hissy-fit compared to some that I have seen (not mentioning names...). After calming him down, I decided we should go for a brief walk.

Right away, Ben decided that I should carry him. We had gotten no more than half a block from the hotel when a small child, almost certainly Ben's age, made a beeline for us through the thin herd of pedestrians. I think one of my mistakes was to have looked at him in the face. What I saw was the dirtiest, most grime covered four-year old face I had ever seen in my life. He (I think it was a he) was dressed in rags and carried a pitifully small plastic cup that he waved in front of me as we went by.

Now (a) I didn't want to haul out my wallet in the middle of the busy street and (b) I sure as heck wasn't going to let go of Ben, so I tried to brush the kid off. This American-grade brushoff did nothing but encourage a series of bows and greater degree of insistence from the boy. This escalated until I had to literally pry his arms from around my legs with one free hand and shove him away roughly. I may have knocked him down. I don't know. I wasn't looking back.

This is easily one of the most heart-breaking things I've ever had to do. This kid had less than nothing. I'm sure he was starving, and here I was with a few hundred yuan stuffed into my back pocket, all the time holding another boy whom I will be bringing back to the US with me. Last week, Ben's life and this boy's life were not all that different in terms of status and long-term opportunities. Today, Ben will have every opportunity that a prosperous American family can provide, while the other boy will likely spend the rest of his life living in squalor.

Now I noticed, as only a new father can, that the whole time I was struggling with the boy, Ben was quietly taking the whole thing in. I think that the experience really had an impact on him. He was immediately quiet and, I think, thoughtful and contemplative and he seemed to have utterly forgotten our earlier spat. That incident, more than any words he may have heard, may have shown him exactly what it means for him that he is being adopted.

I have no idea whether or not Ben feels fortunate, but Kari and I sure do. As painful as it was to push aside a grimy urchin on the streets of Shenyang, if I thought for a second (as I did today) that Ben's safety or well-being was going to be compromised, I'd do the same thing again in a heartbeat. I guess that's the paternal instinct.

The First Day of the Rest of Our Lives

[SHENYANG, 1/16 9:00PM]

Luckily my guide knew where we were going, because the administrative office that we went to to pick up Ben was in a non-desccript room at the end of a non-descript hallway on the second floor of a non-descript gray office building. I could see no markings in English or Chinese that indicated the building function or purpose.

So we knocked on this non-descript door and entered a non-descript room and standing there with two women from the orphanage was the second love of my life.

Things were a little shaky at first. Ben had obviously been told what was about to happen, but I don't think he expected his new father to look like a big, goofy-looking, blonde American. He didn't cry and kick me in the shins as I had half-expected he would, but he was a bit bashful.

We had to take a quick trip to the passport office for pictures and do begin processing the passport that will allow me to bring him home. During the short car ride he got a little more comfortable with me, sitting on my lap and laughing at my funny faces. By the time we got to the passport office he was calling me ba-ba (Chinese for daddy) and calling for me to hold him. Here is our fist picture together just after he gave me a kiss:

He really is terrific. He's very healthy (he likes to run and skip) and is terribly smart. He keeps cracking up our guide with the funny questions he asks. We went for a walk today, played with our cars, did some coloring, and ate (he loves to eat), had a bath, and generally goofed around. I'm kicking myself that I didn't learn more Chinese, though. As much fun as we had today, I could tell he was starting to get frustrated when I just stare at him blankly when he asks apparently clear, concise Chinese questions.

I'm starting to pick up the basics, though. I know when he's telling me he needs to use the bathroom and I know when he says he's thirsty. I thought I knew how to tell him when it is time for bed, but obviously not, as it took me a good hour of pleading, cajoling, and demanding (that method at least is apparently not going to work with him), finally I just played possum for a while and he eventually climbed into bed (I'm typing very quietly now so as not to wake him).

Gulp!

[SHENYANG, 1/16 8:00AM]

Welp, this is it. I slept off and on for about four hours last night. My guide will be here at around 8:30 to review our documentation. Then it's off to see Ben!

Thanks for all your comments. Next post will include pictures, I promise!

Safe in Shenyang

[SHENYANG, 1/15 10:30PM]

I arrived safely with no mishaps. Just talked to Kari via Skype and I must have a wonky internet connection here, because we keep getting disconnected. I hope the next hotel works out better.

The trip was looong, but mostly uneventful; I do have to say that I knew exactly the moment I crossed from West to East. After disembarking from the plane in Beijing, our planeload of people wandered through a vast, empty, polished airport terminal space toward baggage claim. I was one of the few people on that flight who was continuing on to another Chinese city, so after clearing customs I got routed back through a "Domestic Transfer" area, another wide open space with just a handfful of people milling about. After checking my bag again, I was waved toward these two sets of huge translucently opaque sliding doors (I didn't even recognize them as doors at first) and as soon as those doors slid open, there was Beijing, in all its bustling, jostling, small-zones-of-personal-space glory. from that point on, I wasn't beckoned or waved from place to place, I was herded.

So but here I am. In the hotel room, feeling like it's 10AM, but exhausted and ready for whatever fitful snatches of sleep I can grab before our lives change forever.

Works Better than an Alarm Clock

To wake a sleeping wife, still nervous about her husband's travel to pick up their adopted son, call up the stairs at 5:30AM in a sheepish voice, "Ummm...did you do something with my passport yesterday?"

Then apologize profusely when the passport is found minutes later among your things.

[Travel Update: Blogging from Chicago O'Hare; flight for Beijing departs in less than an hour. I was going try to get an upgrade from coach, but the lady at the podium is already getting testy at all the people who have asked already.]

Phone Call from the Internets

We spent only a short amount of time puzzling over the best way to stay in contact while I'm over in China before taking brother-in-law Dan's advice and installing Skype.

I'll have a laptop. The hotel will have internet conectivity. No brainer. It took about fifteen minutes total to install.

I just tested it out on my dad with no problems. Kari says I sound a little tin-canny, but as long as I don't try tapping the keyboard while talking, the internal microphone works just fine. This is a relief: after I discovered that the iBook does not have a microphone input jack, I was dreading having to invest in and lug around yet another gadget (a USB audio input device).

$0.03/minute from China, woohoo!

Lose a Day, Gain a Day

We received the travel itinerary.

Total travel time, Rochester to Shenyang: 22 hours, 21 minutes.

Total return travel time, Hong Kong to Rochester: 18 hours, 26 minutes. The flight from Guangzhou to Hong Kong will be booked while we are in China. That will likely add another 4-5 hours to the return trip. Because of the time difference, local clocks will tell us that we will have landed in Chicago 15 minutes after leaving Hong Kong.

That will be a long 15 minutes to fill.

Tale of Two Cities

We'll receive the travel itinerary later this week, but we assume that I'll fly into Ben's province to pick him up and possibly visit his orphanage, located in Shenyang in the northeast corner of China. We'll then at some point travel to Guangzhou, in the extreme southeast corner of China where we'll complete all of our official business at the US Consulate and with various Chinese officials.

These two cities are approximately 3080 km (approx. 1925 mi.) apart with some rather startling differences in climate:

Shenyang:

Guangzhou:

I need to pack light, so the motto will be: dress in layers.